For Better, for worse

           We all know the traditional marriage vows: "I, ___, take thee, ___, to be my wedded husband/wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part."  For better or for worse, if you really think about it this is an all encompassing thing to say. For better or worse circumstances; for you becoming better or worse. If you become a better person or if you become a worse person, I vow to love you and cherish you. Will you love them if they lose their faith or walk into sin. Will you love them if they are spiritually worse or weak? Will you still have them, hold them and cherish them?




                I now pronounce you Man and Wife; I now proclaim you two flawed, sinful people committed to each other. In a world like ours it is hard to understand the true definition of the word commitment. Google defines commitment as an obligation that restricts freedom. When Jesus speaks about the commitment of marriage in Mathew, He says that two people become one, they are no longer two but one flesh. When you choose your husband/wife you are choosing who you want to become. Who you want to fuse your will and desires with. Your life is no longer your own, and their life is no longer their own. In a health marriage two people lay down their wills and take up the will of God for their lives.  I have to lay down my will and my husband has to lay down their will. I can't make him give up his desires; desires for good things or sinful desires. The bible tell us that we all have sin 1 John 1:8 "if we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves." And if we tell ourselves that our spouse has no sin we deceive ourselves. So I ask again, will you have him and hold him when sin gets the best of him; when he doesn't lay down his will for your will. Will your commitment stand when your spouse falls. 

When my husband and I took our vows we were not perfect people, we were two sinful, shamed youths committing to each other. It was a happy day and it was a hard day. We both grew up in church and very religious homes. We both felt the pressure to make it to the alter as virgins, as if that is a seal of purity. I now understand that God can purify the clean and unclean, there is no seal or proof of purity, for purity is in the heart. On that day I did not have this understanding so my husband and I went into that important day with shame and secrecy. I promised to keep him, cherish him. I had no guarantees for the future. All I had was him and all he had was me. That shame and secrecy that loomed over our wedding day, was their when we came home from our honeymoon; it was their when we attended church or tried to pray together. "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness." But if you hide sin and allow shame, your sin and shame will only grow larger. To hide from shame my husband turned to alcohol, something he was shown at a young age. I turned to striving, I wanted to look as if I had it all together, no matter if I actually did or not just as long as it looked like I did. I hid the shame yet tried to still seek God and his will. My husband is unable to fake anything, he is an all or nothing kind of person. He wanted nothing to do with a fake Christianity so he rebelled. Don't get me wrong he wasn't like an angry teenager, he was like Adam in the garden, he was simply hiding from God.     

 So there I was a newly-wed, then a new mom committed to a man in rebellion, a man hiding from God. When we took our vows I never thought: in sickness and in health, in running towards God or in running from God. Was I going to have him and hold him while he struggled with alcohol? Yes! Not because I made a commitment though that should be reason enough but because the man under the struggle was the man I loved. He may have stopped laying down his will for God's will but he was still worth laying down my life for.       

Google defines Love as an intense feeling of deep affection but with God love is so much more. “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” With God love is an unstoppable force that cannot fail. I had to remind myself of the man that I loved, the man hiding under the tree leaves, the symbolic effort to hide his shame. I held on to that better man in the midst of the worse one and with years of prayer and unfailing love he came back to me. We are two flawed, sinful people committed to each other. I have had my times of being “for worse” and he has continued to love me. Marriage works, commitment works, when you have patient unfailing love.

1John4:8 “God is LOVE”